Reflections

     I finished the books I decided to read over break, plus another-Crazy Love by Frances Chan- and have started some new ones: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin, The Screwtape Letters and Miracles both by C.S. Lewis, and Voices from the Margin edited by R.S. Sugirtharajah.  I'll probably finish the first three before school starts and maybe bring the other two with me to read when I have free time.  The last two are not leisurely reads, though.  I need a dictionary beside me to read Miracles, and I'm thankful that I learned what hermeneutics and hegemony meant in Faith and Culture because both words occur frequently in the essays in Voices from the Margin.  I actually started Three Cups of Tea and The Screwtape Letters last year before school, but never finished them, so I started where I left off in both of them.  Most of these books have caused and are causing me to rethink the way I've been living my life.  They've shown me the lives of real people who are living out their God-given stories, and they encourage me to do the same with my life.  For most of my life, I've been selfish and scared, seeking refuge, not in God, but in my daydreams-seeking refuge from the world, when I should be living out God's story in it, doing good and spreading His love through my actions and words.  I glean much more satisfaction from life when I actually do good with it instead of think about doing good, so one would think that I would pursue opportunities to occupy myself with good deeds, but that's where my shyness kicks in.  I have no problem doing something someone asks me to do (so long as it's not one of my family members asking; though, I've been working on that and have made significant improvements in letting go of my pride and selfishness, but I still have some issues with pride), but starting something is just not my cup of tea because I'm afraid that no one will want to help, and I don't want to bug people in the first place.
     I want to go outside my comfort zone, to get to know people that I wouldn't normally associate with because of my preconceived (and most likely wrong) notions of them and because of my belief that they do not want to get to know me.  Once I get to know someone, I do things for them, not because I feel sorry for them, but because I love them.  Downside to being an introvert: I don't do well knowing a lot of people a little. I'd rather know a few people a lot.  That's where developing a love for all people regardless of whether I know them or not comes in.  And in a way, I do love everyone, but I wonder if it's because I know that's what I'm supposed to do or if I really do.  I suppose it's harder to show love to people if I'm afraid that they won't like me or won't talk to me (I hate awkward silences and not knowing what to say, so I struggle with wanting to talk, but not wanting to at the same time), and this is where loving myself should come in.  If I don't love and think well of myself, how can I love and think well of others.  I know God, my family and my friends love me, and I can see in the mirror that I'm not bad looking, and I have made new friends who seem to think that I'm pretty neat, so why should I assume that I won't be liked by others? And really, it shouldn't matter whether others like me or not; I should still love them and be a friend to them.  During this semester, I plan to work on getting to know different people and becoming more of a servant.
     I feel like, in reading the books I've read, in addition to the Bible, every day has opened my eyes to a better way to live my life and reminded me of what it really means to be a Christian.  I have read the Psalms and the Gospels many times, but each reading seems just as much an epiphany as the previous reading.  I love the Psalms because they are poems and songs of praise, supplication, lament, essentially of every emotion a human can feel, to God.  The authors of these beautiful verses praise God for his awesome power and love, ask Him to defend the oppressed and poor, and express sorrow in turning away from Him.  The Psalmist expresses his constant need and love for God.  Now, the Gospels are the really convicting readings because they deeply challenge my selfishness and pride.  They are not so comfortable to read and often bring me to tears, mostly because I am not sure how I am to give up everything and follow Jesus.  Does that mean go live in a community like the Simple Way, or does it mean going to medical school so I can become a doctor and work in public health clinics and in third world countries?  What about raising a family? Should I even marry?  I think I might want to get married and have children, but then my family would have to make enough money to support everyone in it, and I may become less generous with my money.  I don't know at this point, and I think it's ok.  I just need to put my trust in God and live my life in constant need and love for Him.