My Thoughts After A Devotional With Four Other Girls (was supposed to be a larger group, but we were all that came. Sad, I know, but not really.)

I cannot be the same around everyone. I can love everyone the same, but I show different sides of myself to different people and in different situations. For example, in the fast kick-off devotional tonight, I was extremely quiet and shy. I was more than willing to read a scripture (Isaiah 58:6-12), but when Heidi and Trina prayed with long intervals in between (which was probably for anyone who wanted to pray to do so), I was praying, but most of it was personal. However, towards the end of the last interval, I prayed for all of us, for Christians in general, to know that our possessions and abilities are not ours because they are God’s, and we should share them with others and not be stingy with them. I prayed for all of us, but I prayed in silence. Part of me thinks I should have prayed aloud, but I am very uncomfortable with speaking words off the top of my head in a group of people that I hardly know, so I prayed in silence.

The reason I began by stating that I cannot be the same around everyone is because I am very gregarious and verbose (effervescent, you might say) around my family and oldest friends, and even around people like Levi, who is a relatively new friend. He is such an accepting friend, that I don’t ever have to worry about what he thinks of me, which is a rare find in a friend, but also a mark of a true friend and brother. He feels like my brother, and, in some ways, he accepts me better than my twin sister does. (She accepts my more girly side better, while he better accepts my stranger side.)

Silent moments in a devotional do not have to be awkward. They are silent moments before God, listening to Him and giving all our burdens to Him. Silent moments in a group of people outside of a devotional feel a little (to a lot) awkward to me because I feel like I (or someone else) should always have something to say, which may, or may not, be true. Thing is, I rarely always have something to say, and even if I do, in my introverted state (which occurs most of the time), I want to make sure that what I have to say is relevant enough to say or does not sound stupid. I tend to be very critical of myself and think that what I have to say is not very important or interesting, so I usually do not say whatever I want to say. This is why I would rather write, because I can analyze my content and style, edit my writing, and make sure that I am communicating my point properly (or, at least, the way I want to communicate it). This is also why I like blogging. Others can read my blog entries if they want to, so I do not feel like I am intruding on their lives, and they see more of what I really mean. When I speak to people, I tend to turn circles around myself and change my opinions frequently as I try, myself, to figure out what I really mean.

I feel like the points in these paragraphs do not mesh well, but they are my thoughts as they come, edited to emerge more coherent than they would if they came from my mouth. I may post this either on Tumblr or on Blogspot, but not today because I am fasting from my internet addictions, of which these are two, and naps (which has nothing to do with posting, but I figured I would mention that as well. Actually, I could probably write a whole essay about why I am fasting from napping, but for the sake of time, and my fast from napping, since it is half past midnight, I will not do so right now. )

~Shannon McClure; 12:33 am 3/5/10