My Thoughts After A Devotional With Four Other Girls (was supposed to be a larger group, but we were all that came. Sad, I know, but not really.)

I cannot be the same around everyone. I can love everyone the same, but I show different sides of myself to different people and in different situations. For example, in the fast kick-off devotional tonight, I was extremely quiet and shy. I was more than willing to read a scripture (Isaiah 58:6-12), but when Heidi and Trina prayed with long intervals in between (which was probably for anyone who wanted to pray to do so), I was praying, but most of it was personal. However, towards the end of the last interval, I prayed for all of us, for Christians in general, to know that our possessions and abilities are not ours because they are God’s, and we should share them with others and not be stingy with them. I prayed for all of us, but I prayed in silence. Part of me thinks I should have prayed aloud, but I am very uncomfortable with speaking words off the top of my head in a group of people that I hardly know, so I prayed in silence.

The reason I began by stating that I cannot be the same around everyone is because I am very gregarious and verbose (effervescent, you might say) around my family and oldest friends, and even around people like Levi, who is a relatively new friend. He is such an accepting friend, that I don’t ever have to worry about what he thinks of me, which is a rare find in a friend, but also a mark of a true friend and brother. He feels like my brother, and, in some ways, he accepts me better than my twin sister does. (She accepts my more girly side better, while he better accepts my stranger side.)

Silent moments in a devotional do not have to be awkward. They are silent moments before God, listening to Him and giving all our burdens to Him. Silent moments in a group of people outside of a devotional feel a little (to a lot) awkward to me because I feel like I (or someone else) should always have something to say, which may, or may not, be true. Thing is, I rarely always have something to say, and even if I do, in my introverted state (which occurs most of the time), I want to make sure that what I have to say is relevant enough to say or does not sound stupid. I tend to be very critical of myself and think that what I have to say is not very important or interesting, so I usually do not say whatever I want to say. This is why I would rather write, because I can analyze my content and style, edit my writing, and make sure that I am communicating my point properly (or, at least, the way I want to communicate it). This is also why I like blogging. Others can read my blog entries if they want to, so I do not feel like I am intruding on their lives, and they see more of what I really mean. When I speak to people, I tend to turn circles around myself and change my opinions frequently as I try, myself, to figure out what I really mean.

I feel like the points in these paragraphs do not mesh well, but they are my thoughts as they come, edited to emerge more coherent than they would if they came from my mouth. I may post this either on Tumblr or on Blogspot, but not today because I am fasting from my internet addictions, of which these are two, and naps (which has nothing to do with posting, but I figured I would mention that as well. Actually, I could probably write a whole essay about why I am fasting from napping, but for the sake of time, and my fast from napping, since it is half past midnight, I will not do so right now. )

~Shannon McClure; 12:33 am 3/5/10

Living Water

When drops of rain can

heal my pain, then I

realize You are

never far away

from me; and daily

You shower me with

drops of Love, gifts of

Grace from Above, from

Your Holy Kingdom.

Yes! Your Kingdom come!

When flakes of snow do

kiss my cheeks, You warm

my soul and charm me

in your glitt'ry white.

You cleanse the night; rays

of Your Son blaze through

every sin - You guide

my misled pride on

a quest to The Sun.

Lord, Your will be done!

~Shannon McClure
1/29/10

I think I'm going to like this semester.

Even though I'm taking roughly 20 hours of classes (6 non-credit MCAT prep hours + 1 hour of Chamber Singers, which I consider to be more of an extra-curricular activity +13 hours of for-credit classes, 4 of which are upper-level biology and chemistry classes and labs, then a bible course) and get stressed when I think about needing to study 20 hours for MCAT prep and about 24 hours for the for-credit classes, I actually look forward to every class (because they are all extremely interesting and fun) and even to the MCAT prep classes (because I'm taking them with one of my friends, and afterwards on Thursdays, we will go to Sanctuary and sing praises to God at the top of our lungs!)  I need to get on a good study, sleep, and eating schedule, however, which is harder to do than I thought it would be (hence my staying up late to write this).

I thought about writing more, but the headache of tiredness has set in, so I'm just going to end with this little tidbit: I usually never willingly go out in the rain without an umbrella, but on Wednesday, I saw that it was raining and decided, before I realized that I left my umbrella at home, that I would walk to class slowly and actually enjoy the feeling of rain, and not simply the sight, sound, and scent of it.  I felt very at peace in the rain, not caring that the drops landed on my glasses and slightly skewed my vision.  Joy was also a very prominent feeling. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked to my 8 o'clock.  I think God is in the rain; therefore, I don't think I will ever use an umbrella again (unless I'm required to show up completely dry to an event). That's all for now. :)

Reflections

     I finished the books I decided to read over break, plus another-Crazy Love by Frances Chan- and have started some new ones: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin, The Screwtape Letters and Miracles both by C.S. Lewis, and Voices from the Margin edited by R.S. Sugirtharajah.  I'll probably finish the first three before school starts and maybe bring the other two with me to read when I have free time.  The last two are not leisurely reads, though.  I need a dictionary beside me to read Miracles, and I'm thankful that I learned what hermeneutics and hegemony meant in Faith and Culture because both words occur frequently in the essays in Voices from the Margin.  I actually started Three Cups of Tea and The Screwtape Letters last year before school, but never finished them, so I started where I left off in both of them.  Most of these books have caused and are causing me to rethink the way I've been living my life.  They've shown me the lives of real people who are living out their God-given stories, and they encourage me to do the same with my life.  For most of my life, I've been selfish and scared, seeking refuge, not in God, but in my daydreams-seeking refuge from the world, when I should be living out God's story in it, doing good and spreading His love through my actions and words.  I glean much more satisfaction from life when I actually do good with it instead of think about doing good, so one would think that I would pursue opportunities to occupy myself with good deeds, but that's where my shyness kicks in.  I have no problem doing something someone asks me to do (so long as it's not one of my family members asking; though, I've been working on that and have made significant improvements in letting go of my pride and selfishness, but I still have some issues with pride), but starting something is just not my cup of tea because I'm afraid that no one will want to help, and I don't want to bug people in the first place.
     I want to go outside my comfort zone, to get to know people that I wouldn't normally associate with because of my preconceived (and most likely wrong) notions of them and because of my belief that they do not want to get to know me.  Once I get to know someone, I do things for them, not because I feel sorry for them, but because I love them.  Downside to being an introvert: I don't do well knowing a lot of people a little. I'd rather know a few people a lot.  That's where developing a love for all people regardless of whether I know them or not comes in.  And in a way, I do love everyone, but I wonder if it's because I know that's what I'm supposed to do or if I really do.  I suppose it's harder to show love to people if I'm afraid that they won't like me or won't talk to me (I hate awkward silences and not knowing what to say, so I struggle with wanting to talk, but not wanting to at the same time), and this is where loving myself should come in.  If I don't love and think well of myself, how can I love and think well of others.  I know God, my family and my friends love me, and I can see in the mirror that I'm not bad looking, and I have made new friends who seem to think that I'm pretty neat, so why should I assume that I won't be liked by others? And really, it shouldn't matter whether others like me or not; I should still love them and be a friend to them.  During this semester, I plan to work on getting to know different people and becoming more of a servant.
     I feel like, in reading the books I've read, in addition to the Bible, every day has opened my eyes to a better way to live my life and reminded me of what it really means to be a Christian.  I have read the Psalms and the Gospels many times, but each reading seems just as much an epiphany as the previous reading.  I love the Psalms because they are poems and songs of praise, supplication, lament, essentially of every emotion a human can feel, to God.  The authors of these beautiful verses praise God for his awesome power and love, ask Him to defend the oppressed and poor, and express sorrow in turning away from Him.  The Psalmist expresses his constant need and love for God.  Now, the Gospels are the really convicting readings because they deeply challenge my selfishness and pride.  They are not so comfortable to read and often bring me to tears, mostly because I am not sure how I am to give up everything and follow Jesus.  Does that mean go live in a community like the Simple Way, or does it mean going to medical school so I can become a doctor and work in public health clinics and in third world countries?  What about raising a family? Should I even marry?  I think I might want to get married and have children, but then my family would have to make enough money to support everyone in it, and I may become less generous with my money.  I don't know at this point, and I think it's ok.  I just need to put my trust in God and live my life in constant need and love for Him.